It Is What It is
Often times we latch on to emotional comfort because it helps us to forget about the trauma living inside us, or because its a way to keep ourselves in constant affiliation with the greatest feeling drug of all time, love & affection. Is it wrong to want to give love or to seek love? I don't think so... well as long as it lives inside you, it will always cary a unique energy that spends time dancing inside your soul, and surrounding those around you who need it.
Nothing these days feels quite like the old ones. Maybe it's this coffee shop I'm writing in with no doors, just open to the outside weather that is currently hitting about 78 degrees. Maybe it's the entirely new circle of friends, or could be that in this moment I'm not afraid of the unknown. I look at the future like a polaroid picture, watching as it slowly reveals itself to me, and I admire the patience it requires within. I have learned the hard way time and time again that every time I set expectations for my future it always goes different and I end up disappointed, so instead of spending my "now" looking at the days ahead, I am trying to stay eyes wide open to the present.
I have been waking up sad a bit recently, and I can feel the unwavering pressure on my heart. I don't know if anyone has the right answer when asked "how do I heal?" or "how do I get through this funk?" but I do know that there is no light switch...no simple form of healing. In the "now" I feel answerless but I have control of the present and so I then ask myself "what can I do today to add as many healthy small details to my mind, body, and spirit as possible so that when I lay for bed tonight or have to be around people this evening I don't feel caught up in my thoughts?" It starts with the small details like making sure I'm eating healthy meals, going to the gym to push my mental, putting the phone down, stretching, and creatively expressing myself through writing blogs and songs, not checking the socials. I wrote a few sad songs this weekend. I try to not look at things like chores, and instead view them as medication and steps in the "now" that can help my mind and heart with whatever process it is needing to go through.
I like to know that there is someone out there listening to the thoughts in my head, and maybe by expressing myself to the world, what I say can somehow or another resonate with them. I don't mind being an open book, or a glass house, but I do mind when I feel that I haven't expressed myself enough to release the emotional energy inside me. That's why I'm back on this blog...Because posting to a story on social media, or scrolling through nonsense isn't going to help me stay on the correct train of thought to understand the things that I feel inside of me, but doing what has helped me most in life can only do good, writing to the world.
Saturday night I camped out on the north shore of Oahu. We arrived to the tip of the island at about 10:45 PM (this is after a sunrise hick atop a crater, a heavy upper body workout, and 5 hours of beach volleyball) and searched the beaches for a few minutes until coming across an indent in the trail that led to our fairytale spot for the night. There was a large tree with silky branches which gave enough space for our tents and belongings. To the left of the tree was a small pathway that took only a few steps before entering the beach...Yep, all to ourselves, about 8 of us. We spent the next hour and a half setting up tents, starting the makeshift grill for the chicken strips, and a fire for us to enjoy. Wouldn't be much of a night without music so @caseycosmos brought his equipment, and began to DJ on a lava rock while emitting what can only be described as the soundtrack to the universe out of his laptop. We danced, we talked, we watched the bright moon watch over the waves on the ocean until the sun rose. It felt like being dropped inside of a painting. I felt at peace with my unknown future, with each sound of the waves crashing I could understand more and more the great pieces of God's beauty at play, things I have to be patient and calm to understand. I felt okay knowing that I am on my own, and so grateful that the crippling affects of my mental health never got the best of me.
Leaving your comfort zone is the quickest and easiest way to push your mental boundaries, and thats what I have been doing with my life for some months now...and it's all thanks to the continuous love and support that I get from every person who is watching my journey. My life is very very far from perfect, as am I. I feel the grip of a broken heart in my chest, and the cloudiness of an emotional mind in my head, but I could tell you everything there is to know about the "now": how I feel, what I see, what I will do with the present, and let time show me where I am going. Push yourself a little bit more today, and then do something kind for yourself as a reward. Remind yourself that when no one else was there, you were there for yourself. & tell the people you feel for that you feel for them.
"It Is What It Is" = accepting the present
This felt great. Until next time my Phamily.